The Day My World Fell Apart (2008-08-01)
A week before KL was to commence work at this new company, he had to do a compulsory physical exam. They ran through a gamut of tests with him, though non-invasive, still pretty thorough.
After the test, his doctor called him to his office, gave him a
lengthy speech on the subject of Japan's cancer mortality rate
interspersed with KL's strong family history of cancer-related
deaths. It was getting unbearable so KL cut right in the doctor's
disquisition and asked him, "Do I have cancer?" to which the doctor
replied "Yes" pointing at the suspicious patches and shades on his
chest X-ray.
KL broke the news to me on the phone after he left the clinic.
As I was holding the phone to my ear, the room spun a little and a wave
of nausea overcame me. I physically felt sick to the stomach,
butterflies flapped madly in my guts, it's the exact same intense
nervousness and anxiety I always felt seconds before an important exam
or interview. This vehement attack of butterflies stomach and
nausea would continue for three days until the next test, the CT scan.
During these three days, we went through hell. We couldn't
eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else but death.
You try to be positive and it's hard, you try to have a clear head and
it's hard, you try to stop the tears coming and it's all too
hard. We discussed possible course of actions, worst case
scenarios, and even funeral arrangements.
I've never seen KL cry so much and so extemporaneously. A
single hug I gave him, a tender touch on his shoulder or a soft calling
of his name would bring tears to both our eyes. I was looking at
his things and clothes in the tatami room one afternoon and I sobbed
uncontrollably. The thought of losing him is unfathomable.
How will I cope? How do I live? Who'll take me to see the
world?
KL cries not because he's afraid of dying, he says he'll miss me and
Daifoo terribly. He is wrought with guilt for having to leave me
behind because he's convinced that I cannot look after myself.
The day the doctor told KL he has lung cancer is the day when the world I know fell utterly apart.
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